So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
