When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
