just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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