capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
