Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
