Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
