Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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