anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
