Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Fuck appropriateness.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
