if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
