Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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