Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i think i just lost a toe
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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