I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
