i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
