Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
