I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
