He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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