my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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