I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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