Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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