I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
