I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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