Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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