i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
