Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
