Well apparently he's into motor boating.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
