My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
