In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
