this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
