i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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