she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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