he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize