when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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