I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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