I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
