apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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