i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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