I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
