So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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