so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
