Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
