I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
