Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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