He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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