I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I touched a dick in church today
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
