My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
