I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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