I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
