Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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