The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
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