Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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