I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
