I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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