im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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