Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
